I started this blog as a way to keep family and friends updated on what's happening with us Gibbs. Almost always my posts are about my favorite subjects...my three C's!
They are my pride and joy and sometimes I can't believe they are mine. I often feel that I, in no way, deserve these awesome kids. I mean, parenting has its days, it's not always easy. But when I look around at these kids on TV or at some the kids that go to school with my kids...WOW! I am pretty blessed to call the three C's mine and will remember to "count it all joy" when we go through the challenges.
Well, today I'm going to be a little downer and blog about something else...LIFE! My life in particular. I'm really struggling with "stuff" right now. It seems as though anything that can go wrong, is going wrong. Yes, I've been here before but it's so draining. I'm tired of worrying, stressing, being angry and pretending. Why is it so easy for me to say, "It will all work out, it's in God's hands." but at the same time question God for things that are happening? Lately, I feel more like I'm being punished than being tested. I used to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel but lately it’s just darkness. I'm trapped in this darkness alone. Alone by my own choice. Alone because I don't share with others. Alone because I don't want to be judged. Alone because I have no friends. Alone because I think I need to be perfect. Why do I feel that need??? I know I'm not perfect, but why can I not accept it? Why is it so important to me to have everything look great on the outside when what I love is people that can be open, honest and transparent? I want to be an open, honest person but don't want to feel pity from others? Am I confusing pity with love? Why does it not feel like love but shame? Man, I've been working on these feelings for over a year now. I thought I had a handle on this then, BAM! Things start to go wrong, fall apart, not go my way and I'm slapped in the face with all my weaknesses. I hate feeling like being a christian or a pastors wife or a leader in the church doesn't allow me to be human. By saying that I mean, I don't want myself to look human to others because of those "titles".
OK so, why did I just type all this out? Maybe I typed it out just to hit "delete" instead of "publish post". Maybe because it's almost 2am and I just needed to let it all out. Maybe because I don't have to see your faces while I let it all out. Maybe it's because it's a step towards me being honest and transparent. Whatever it is, it feels good at this moment.
Thank you for reading my Eeyore blog, my Oh bother blog. Actually, after typing all of this out, I think I may see a pinhole of light ahead of me.
8 comments:
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I dont have many friends either but maybe that is why God gives us our kids because we receive so much joy through them that it's almost like we dont need a ton of friends. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Sorry you are going through a rough time with everything right now. I know it will get better soon. God doesnt want you to be suffering.
I Love Eeyore! I've felt like you are my role model sometimes, I don't know how you do all that you do. Maybe you do too much for others and not enough for yourself. I'm a perfect example of that myself. Yes, you have great kids and this is due to your great skills as a "mom". Ok, so Patrick gets a little credit too.
Ha Ha. You are MY best friend and I have fairly broad shoulders and big ears to listen. You did the right thing "letting it out". I need to do that myself! LOVE YOU!
Mom xoxoxox
What you just did is much needed. God want's you to vent. He does hear you. We do too. I am like you and hate to "burden" others with my issues. But it helps just to shout out once in a while. I will echo mom and say I have ears and shoulders too. I love you and we are here for you guys.
I Peter 1:6-7
II Cor 4:8-9
Romans 5:2-5
I can't tell you how many times I've written a venting blog and then hit "delete". Kudos to you for posting it!
I totally understand your post too. I handle my emotions much the same way (keeping them all in) and then eventually it all comes pouring out! And who said PWs can't be human?! You have a ton on your plate right now and have every reason to be overwhelmed especially when you put everyone before yourself all the time.
Praying for you Jen!!
I am so thankful that you posted this. I often read your blog and think to myself "How does she do it?" I find myself always trying to do too much all the time just to keep up with you. With all the time that you spend on your kids-and doing all the amazing things that you do for them, I was wondering when do you have time for you. I know I don't have any time for myself. As I'm reading your blog today, I found myself saying "yep, yep, me too". I would never have had the courage to let my 'shields' (as Michael would say) down and let my friends and family see the real me. Thanks for reminding me that we aren't superhuman. I know that you will get through this, but it won't happen on your own. Feel free to vent. I'm a good listener.
I know how you're feeling! Thank you for sharing your heart. Let's have a Grieser/Gibbs get-together soon!!!
Wow Jen, you are so great for posting this. Most of us moms shoulder our worlds and put on our happy faces. It is nice to know that everyone else is not perfect either. That we all get grumpy, sad, and mad. So glad you put it out there.
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